Fearful? A few lessons that might help

Some challenges when you feel depressed and what to do:

All of us have some of those days where you have no energy to get out of bed, because you really can't see the light and don't think that the day will turn out to be happy. We all use words like "depressed" or feeling "blue". But what do you do on days like that? Here are some of my suggestions, which might work for you or not, but it is good to try some of them out on yourself.

1. Context:

One of the first things you can do is to understand that feelings like this is human nature. There is a reason why you feel that way, and you are allowed to have them. I sometimes find in literature, that it is suggested that you just either ignore these feelings, because they are bad for you. Yes, I do agree that feeling negative has a negative bearing on your day, your body and on your relationships with people around you. But just merely driving them away will not help, because the stimuli from outside that causes your feelings or create fear did not change. Understanding and giving yourself permission is a good starting point, but that does not mean that you are going to feel better immediately.

What I tend to find is that the helpless feeling that goes hand in hand with feeling depressed, makes you even more depressed. The helpless feelings tend to exaggerate the feelings that you already have, and also leads to you thinking that you are useless. You might also feel that you are not worthy, and start to punish yourself even further. This does not help in any way, but understanding that what you feel is human, and allowing yourself to have that feeling, does make it a little bit better.

2. Analysing:

Now that you have allowed yourself to be human, start to analyse your feelings. Here you also have to be careful, because we sometimes over exaggerate the feeling through analysis. The moment that you start to blame yourself, stop immediately, remember that you have given yourself permission to feel and to be human. Analysing simply means that you look at your feelings, and you look at the stimuli that creates the fear and anxiety. In this case, it also helps a lot to write it down or draw a picture on paper. I find that writing my feelings down, helps me a lot, because now it feels organised and also now the problem is an arms-length away from you. It will feel as if it is not burning up inside of you, and your heart feels a little bit less stressed. Although sometimes, seeing how big your problem is on paper might make you stress even more, but it is still better to get it "out of your system".

I then use the "5 why's" methodology to analyse further. It is actually very simple, you ask yourself a why question, like: "Why am I so scared to go to the office?" Answer: "I have a deadline and I am not finished and my boss will yell at me". Question: "Why did you not meet the deadline?" Answer: "I did not get the input from my colleagues in time". Question: "Why did you not let them know and got on their backs about the info needed?" Answer: "I did, but they ignored me." Question: "Why did they ignore you?" Answer: "They have no respect for me". Question: "Why did you not ask your boss to help you?" Answer: "I was scared that he would think that I am incompetent".

You keep on asking the "why" question, until such time as the answers reveals itself. In this example, you might already see that you are now stressed, because of what other people didn't do, but particularly what you could have done differently. Now you can actually learn from your mistakes, plan better, and also print out the e-mails to show your boss why you are not finished. The "why" questions are like being your own psychologist, and by asking questions, you get to a point where, as with a patient, you reveal the answer to yourself.

These process is actually like going to the doctor with an ailment. What the doctor actually does is they start with your story, then they eliminate what is not wrong with you, so that they can prescribe medicine that will actually make you feel better.

3. Take the medicine:

As with an ailment, you need to take the medicine to actually become better. Too often in my life I have stopped at step 2, understanding completely what I have to do, or stop or start doing, but never do. For that reason I have created habits of not finishing the medicine or not taking the answers to heart. One of the reasons that we procrastinate on taking the medicine, is that we don't believe it will work. Another reason is that we want to feel better immediately, which is not always the case. Sometimes you need to stay in bed and take the medication for a few days to get healthy again.

As with the example with your boss, you still need to get up and go to the office and actually go and do what you have set out in your "prescription". This sometimes mean that you have to go and confront the situation, and the sooner the better. And when you confront the situation, go and do it as soon as possible. As with allowing yourself to be human and having a plan, to confront as soon as possible gets rid of the fear quicker. Even if your boss is going to fire you, let it rather be at 8:00 am than at 17:00, then at least you have the rest of the day to look for another job.

I tend to find that doing what we fear and stress about as quickly as possible, helps to take away the stress quicker, even if the outcome is not good, at least you have taken action. Taking action makes a big difference, and I have seen that other people that are involved in the situation, tend to see your action in a positive way, even if it is not resolved by the action immediately.

4. Learn:

How often do you get into similar situations? We tend to be creatures of habit, and I tend to find that I repeat my mistakes over and over again. In my job as an insurance salesman, I need to phone and prospect all the time, but I do not grab onto every opportunity. Then comes the end of the month and I can not pay all my bills, and then I stress and repeat it the next day. Learning is to, after you have had the flu and the antibiotics have done their work, to eat healthy for a while, to take vitamins and try to make sure that the illness do not return.

If you are allergic to cats, will you buy a cat to live with you in your house? By not learning from our experiences, we tend to do just that. What we also tend to do is to then blame the cat, although it was my decision to buy one. By learning, we take responsibility for our lives, for our decisions, our actions or the lack of our actions.

There is a lesson in everything we experience, but make it count!

5. Change your emotions:

Viktor Frankl, taught us that you can not always change what happens to you, but you can change the way that you feel about it and how you see it. So, in the morning when you wake up with this fear about what could happen to you, you can actually program your mind to look at it differently.

Everybody says that, but through experience I know that it is not that easy. I understand that the mind can only hold one thought, so I try, whenever I feel down, to actually think about something else. This tend to work, but only for a while, then the negativity takes over again. So, you have to keep on doing it. This is one of the main reasons why I have started writing, it takes my mind away from the stress, even if I write an article like this.

But I truly believe that changing my emotions on it's own, does not work on it's own. It has to be coupled with action, any action focussed on eliminating the fear and bad feelings. If I have financial difficulties, I have to direct my actions to work harder and smarter to eliminate the feeling. Without some sort of action, just simply changing your emotions on it's own won't change a thing, you might feel a little better, but only for a while.

Although I have to say, that changing my emotional state, does change many things. As an example, it gives me the courage to go and actually do what needs to be done. It is this dance between "working" on yourself and your emotions and "action", that creates an outcome.

6. Let it happen, but only when it happens:

99% of the things we fear never comes to pass. We also tend to exaggerate the outcome of things, we fear the worst. Our assumptions of outcomes are usually much different than the outcome itself. It is if we are in reality geared to expect the worst only so the the reality when things happen is not as bad as we anticipated. It might be how life helps us to cope with bad things.

Just last month I had a run-in with a client of mine, due to expectations not being met. I was so worried about the implications for me if the client cancelled his policy and the impact that might have on my finances. OK, then I sent him the details and he cancelled. And then, nothing apparently happened that made me being worried for 3 days. In that 3 days, what nice things did I miss? How many opportunities did I not take or chances of loving the people around me. No, instead I was grumpy, had constant headaches and insomnia. For what? For nothing? I did learn my lesson when it comes to client relations, but also that I should not let situations steal my smile. Yes, it is like leaving your car open, with an open window, with your most precious possessions on the back seat. You are inviting and tempting people to steal it. Be vigilant with your inner being, and lock away your happiness and sanity, and only allow those who are important to you in your inner sanctum.

In the movie "The Bodyguard", Kevin Costner plays the role of the bodyguard. At some stage him and Whitney Houston's character, hides in his fathers house. She asks his dad why he can stay so calm in a fearful situation. He answers: "My son have taught me to confront the things I fear, until I am not scared of them any more". Confront the situation as soon as possible, even if the outcome is not favourable, and then you can move on with your day and your life.

Sometimes, letting things run it's course is also action, especially if you have done your best and have no control over it. This might not be nice, it might not be comfortable and it may be stressful, but letting go is also a way to go. In this regard, being a spiritual person, when I have no control or don't see a way out, I pray and let God be in control of the outcome.