What happens when you are not All-In?

The X-Factor in your life is attained when you are totally committed to what you do. Sometimes you are just drawn to something, and nothing, not the abundance of money, nor the lack of it will get you off course. You can have all the knowledge and put in all the effort, but it feels like a dead-end. Every day is a struggle, you can't get up or do anything that you actually enjoy. Just a little bit about myself.

I studied Theology and was a minister of religion. At one stage I was undergoing some personal issues which led to my resignation from the ministry. I joined the insurance industry as an agent and for a while it went well. The money did make up for the feeling inside me, as it usually is much easier to suffer when you can plug the hole inside you with money. After about 10 years, I left the company that I work for to open up my own brokerage. When I was approached by some other agents, I took on some brokers with offices in Pretoria and Cape Town. This was a very brave move, and again I was drawn to the idea of managing and working with people. I got so involved in the management of people, that the business actually declined and I closed it down after about 6 years. After this, I still had this dream inside me to make the lives of people better, but as there was no opportunities for it, I stayed in the insurance industry, going from opportunity to opportunity. In this sense, I was always looking for the right circumstances outside of me to change, but it never really did. I applied for some jobs all over, trying to answer my inner calling. Then I have made a breakthrough in my own life, of which this is the beginning. But what have I experienced based on my life, that shows you that you are in a dead-end.

1. Nothing can satisfy you:

When you are engaged in what-ever thing that is not aligned to your inner soul and calling, no money or accolades will satisfy. I have tried many things to try and motivate myself. I thought that if I had better qualifications in the industry, that would change things. I did 2 post-graduate diploma's in financial planning. For a while it changed a lot for me, but when I caught myself on the internet, I was reading spiritual wisdom and not studying the financial markets.

When we motivate people, sitting with a person like me with these feelings is like saying to a child that they have to eat their pea's and they will get some ice-cream afterwards. If the child does not like ice-cream, the incentive to eat the pea's will be worthless.

2. Everything suffers:

Yes, everything falls apart, your relationship with yourself, your dreams, your desires, your health and your relationships, not to mention your finances. I lost almost everything, especially the way I thought about myself. It is not to say that it was intentional, but if you are on that road you sometimes just expect things to fall apart anyway. When you are in sales, it is almost inevitable that a lack of self-respect, leads to an unproductive life. I went to see clients as a "grudge" and when I went to see them almost expected them not to buy, and if they bought well then it is luck. I never had that amazing moment of exhilaration after a sale, even with the accolades coming to me.

One of the reasons that I left the church was because of financial reasoning, because you are not paid very much as a minister. Today I look back and obviously I think that if I haven't left and stuck to my calling I still would have had much more than I have today. You see, that is the problem with many of us, we make choices based on financial ideas, rather to start with what you are called to do. I have also seen in the South African tradition how you are judged based on what you have and not on who you are. For some reason we live in a materialistic society where somebody is not invited to the table if they are deemed to be unsuccessful. In my heart, although I lost so much, I have never lost the idea that I am successful. Luckily I had my writing to keep me alive, and these past 20 years have prepared me for where I am today, opening my heart to my true meaning and just doing it, without any guarantees of how, when and where doors will open. But, sitting here today I feel that my heart is closed for what I have been doing, the door is still open, but rather go and look for what you want behind a closed door in belief, that standing in a room where you don't want to be.

These past 20 years have opened my eyes to the scary fact of not following your dreams and your heart. When you are unhappy, go back to your dream. I am also not so unrealistic that I think that everybody can do what they want, sometimes you have to do the dishes or wash your clothes yourself. Sometimes you have to do a job to make ends meet, that is reality. Sometimes we get to love what we do, but I truly doubt that we are always equipped to get ourselves or our employees to that point with the mentoring systems that we currently have in place.

3. Just do it:

Over the years I have kept on spending time on my dream, reading and writing on the things that I truly love. Call this my hobby, but there is always time to do the things we love, although I have been scrutinized by people around me, calling this a waste of time. Furthermore, having lost so much and especially in the eyes of the people that I want to reach, made this idea more difficult. I wasn't this hot-shot that everybody wanted in their lives, I was now the one that felt rejected, and started to doubt myself.

People said that I should look at my life and see the reality, but what I saw was not that I can't live my dream, the more I stared at reality the more I saw that this is all happening because of me and the lack of my dream. So I kept on writing and reading, looking for the time or opportunity to come my way. Then one day I just realised that if you wait for things in your life to be perfect, you will never do it. Sometimes you should just do it, take the leap. I am not saying that you should quit your job without anything else. I am saying that you can still follow your dream with other important things.

4. Job vs Hobby:

When you grow up, I don't think that everybody dreamt of being a salesman. Boys grow up, wanting to be a fireman or a professional rugby player, girls grow up wanting to be an dancer. Through our lives things happen and we are sometimes drawn or pushed in a certain way. Sometimes our lack of ability might switch us from dancing to another pursuit, e.g. becoming a dance instructor or a teacher. Not all hobbies or things we love become our ultimate job, and our ultimate job is not always enjoyable or becomes our hobby.

The world would be much different if we did not have to earn money to survive, but this is now the reality we live in, and we have to make sacrifices in this regard. Understanding this will move you into a whole new way of thinking. One thing is important, and that is that you can make your job enjoyable, by finding what it also does for you. When you earn money, as an example, you can then afford your hobbies. We sometimes see the job part of our lives as the end, but sometimes it can be a means to an end, to be able to afford the travel abroad, your hunting exploits, family holiday's at the coast or just even the ticket to go and watch the ballet. Once you understand this concept, you might not love your job in itself, but love doing it for what it means for your heart and soul.

"What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless."

Artists are usually joked about in this manner, as being an artist might be the hardest way to earn a living. Not all musicians can make a living from their "hobby" or art, but they can have the opportunity to follow their dreams by means of doing something that takes the burden of making a living from their hobby. When you understand this, it might change the way you look at a job that you do that doesn't motivate or answer your true calling. Sometimes the motivation might not come from the job in itself, but how close that brings you to your ultimate calling in life. And artists, as an example, once the pressure is off, might be able to be the artist that they want to be, as opposed to the artist that they have to be to be popular and make money, which in itself then misses the point of why you want to be an artist in the first place.

5. Belief:

Although it might seem that my own story ends in the sadness of this moment, it doesn't. I have a strong belief in myself, my abilities and in God that creates a path for me. I understand that all things that happened to me brought me to this place where I am now, with the knowledge of hindsight. Not going to change the past, but instead lessons for my life forward. I truly believe that we are in essence spiritual beings with a strong connection to God. The same God that created the dreams in my soul, is also the God that will create the means for me to fulfil my calling. Sometimes not in the way that I envisage, being able to sit and write and study all day, full-time, but the means by which I am in a situation where I can keep on learning and developing.

In conclusion, being all-inn is not really based on getting all that you want from what you do, but as I grew to understand that doing what you do, and getting paid for it might be a means to an end and does not need to be the end-goal in itself.